I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
