i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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