I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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