no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize
