just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize