No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
