He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize