then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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