I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
