Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Randomize
