Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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