There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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