checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
We talked him into tasing himself.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
