Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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