he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
