theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
