update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize