I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
