you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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