but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my sisters under your porch take her home
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
