hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Dignity is for republicans.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
