I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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