the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
