two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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