If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
