I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
