I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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