So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
