saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
