so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
