Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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