Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
