Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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