I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize