If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
