dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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