i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
