i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I need a beard to bite.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize