yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
