2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
