If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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