So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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