I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just googled if crying burns calories
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
