It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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