The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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