I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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