i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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