it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
