And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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