I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
