Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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