the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
