the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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