My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
