wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize