I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You don't make any sense
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