Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Your cock deserves a montage
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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