woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
